Science Bitch

So I recently had two very good interlinked pieces of news, one a few days ago and one today! I guess I was kinda letting the first one sink in a bit before blogging about it, savouring it like a tasty beverage! But after todays other good piece of news I have decided to blog vomit it all up in one tasty morsel!

So

In the words of my 2^nd favourite Professor (After Brian Cox)

I am set to have my Gamma Knife treatment on the 1^st May 2015! I have struggled to describe my happiness and excitement to people but the best I have come up with to date is “Every Christmas ever all at once”

Its obviously no immediate fix but its the first step in a path to getting my life back finally! I will have to wait 2 years before I will know for sure if its eliminated the evil little swine, but its a step in the right direction. I will have to go up the night before for some pre-op assessment (checking out how Sexy I am I guess?) and then on the day comes the riskiest part of the procedure, another Angiogram. Before checking out the next day post procedure. The procedure itself is pretty quick and relatively painless other than the metal brace that will be screwed into my noggin (I get to temporarily become a rubbish Iron Man) and will probably take up a fair part of my day!

There is a very small risk of having a stroke (no not that stroke you dirty minded fools!) whilst having an angiogram, but I feel confident having already survived one that I can definitely get through number 2! I know I may be risking my luck by typing that, but I don't believe in luck, I believe in Science.

The only other side effect I should expect (other than feeling a bit knocked about for a while) is that because my AVM is located in my Occipital lobe there is a decent chance that my peripheral vision on my right eye may get worse. It has improved considerably from the dark days but its still not normal, but as far as trade offs go its two things I am happy to risk in getting the ticking time bomb out of my head (literally that!)

I am expecting to rest for a couple of weeks and then get back on with things which brings me on to good news No.2

I had another work meeting this morning! Truth be told I was absolutely dreading it, knowing that one of the outcomes could have possibly been a dismissal on medical grounds which would have been pretty devastating for me but totally understandable on works front (they have a business to run)

Delighted to say nothing of the like happened! They are pleased with my progress (my big boss even noted how well I looked in comparison to the previous meeting) and are happy with the plan of going back to light duties ( a couple of little shifts a week at first) around 2 weeks post gamma knife! With the idea of eventually building back up to my normal 45 hour a week workload. Suffice to say I was delighted with the outcome of the meeting.

Don't get me wrong I am a little fearful about going back, it was where my bleed occurred, and I am unsure if I will be able to do the job to a decent standard, but its a personal challenge now to at the very least give it a try! I feel fairly confident that I have not forgotten my skills and that I will physically be able to cope with the work. I know for sure that I am emotionally 100% stronger than I was pre-bleed because after all this how could I not be? I have gone through a veritable hell to get here, and I have no intention of doing nothing other than keep progressing forward. Sure its gonna be a big challenge, probably just as tough as my rehab process has been. But unlike that I am prepared for what is to come, and if I show the same spirit, mental toughness and endeavour that I have up to this point I should get through it. Once you have survived a close brush with death everything else is not as scary as it once was or should be! I know I am a survivor, a warrior and dare I say it pretty fucking bad ass! So hopefully its gonna be another challenge that I will pass :)

Out of the Woods (or how far i have come)

So I have been a bit quiet on the blogging front, I guess mainly because I have had little change or news. I'm still awaiting my Gamma Knife treatment which should be happening anytime soon, and I guess if i'm honest with myself the wait is starting to get to me.

Maybe its the lack of sleep as of late, maybe its some recent news that I will not discuss here which threw up some old emotions that I had thought I had previously dealed with, maybe its because some pains never really go they just simmer under the surface waiting to come to the fore but today for the first time in a while I had a real good cry. It was as ever to music which I find is one of the few trigger points still for me, I had a real good sob and then sat reflected and felt suitably inspired to write. So in a sense its a good thing, It already feels pretty cathartic just typing how I feel out.

There's only so long you can be strong for you see, only so many times you can tell people and yourself that you are “Ok” with what has happened and what you have subsequently lost is something that you are dealing with fine. Most days I am ok with it, I guess today is not one ot those days.

Don't be confused this post is no cry for help, as I type I can feel the negative sad emotions begin to slowly melt away. This is a reminder to myself that I have come so far already and even though I have still some way to go till the finishing line, its beginning to come into sight so now is no time to get down in the dumps about things.

So much like my favourite Tv doctor House MD today

I have done some really cool things recently as well so I gotta be pleased about that, I got my first tattoo which I fully intend to get finished when I eventually get the all clear in a few years

For those not in the know my tattoo is some album art by probably my favourite band Modest Mouse. The anchor is to me symbolic of the bad times and the balloon is the hope for the good times still to come and the piece as a whole is a reminder to not allow myself to be dragged by whats happened. 

I continue to play and make as much music as possible something that as recent as December I could not do, which I am pleased with, I have challenged myself to write a whole album before the years out. Here is some definitive proof of this:

And if that is not enough of an indicator that I am getting better, this certainly is. Its part of the forgotten hospital experience, a note I wrote my best friend Benjamin when my speech went in Nottingham I think, I say I think I have no memory of this!

If you cant make it out it says "Just checking that I can still read and write normally, Ben Broughton is a knob! Don't understand why i can't verbally communicate properly! My brain has clearly gone a bit wrong! Apologies Kids!"

I can now most days verbally communicate fine, it still gets a bit broken down when i get tired or stressed but its a massive improvement from what it was!

So as a reminder to myself and my big beautiful broken brain, we got this fool! Sure there's still plenty more of ups and downs to come, challenges to face, hills to climb. However we have come so far in such a short time, so be happy, we're alive, relatively well and the future is fairly bright. Now if Sheffield can send me my appointment anytime now and Manchester United finish in the top 4, this year will get much much better!

Thanks as ever.

Adam.